Kids
Generation “What’s Next?”
How many of you are foreigners? Better yet, how many of you were born here, grew up in a different country, but came back to America to attend college, start a family, pursue a career, etc.? Well, I am one of those folks. I was born in Bronx, New York, but I’m Nigerian. I grew up in Lagos, Nigeria and attended boarding school there.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the kids of this generation. Do we spoil them? Do we over expose them? What do you think?
During a recent trip to Thailand, I met some amazing people. One day at the local market, I sat with some native kids who had never been on a big bus or a personal car (outside overcrowded local transportation). Let’s not even mention planes. They don’t know what a toilet is. They are not exposed to Western Culture and its conveniences, yet they were some of the happiest people I have ever come across. They were so content, and never think of the what ifs because all they have is what they know.
This is also similar to a trip in Mexico, a couple of years back. When Greg and I travel with or without the kids, we try to stay away from the western world as much as possible. We aim for villages, or the outskirts. We want to be around people that speak little to no English, regardless of whether or not we have a handle on the local tongue.
In Mexico, we stayed in a town called La Bufadora. Very, very beautiful. Little tourism (in comparison to the hotbeds in Ensenada, Rosarito, and Cabo), mostly just native Mexicans. The people there were so kind, so full of life, so welcoming. Again, the kids there, even at young ages were traders, either selling goods to support their family, or running a family business which is short of luxury. The kids wash their own clothes with their bare hands and line-dry them, don’t have money for shoes and walk around with bare feet, and sadly often have to wear the same outfit for days at a time, etc.
There is a saying that “what you don’t know, don’t hurt you,” but I am going to rephrase that by saying “what you don’t know, makes you a happy and content soul.” Compare these kids with kids that Sidney goes to school with. Kids that get dropped off and picked up at school in limousines, kids that carry the latest technology gadgets, wear designer duds, and carry bags like LV, Gucci, Channel and Prada to mention a few.
Mind you, Sidney’s school is K-8 and it’s a public Beverly Hills school. These are public school kids! Private schools are not allowed in Beverly Hills, so if you want your kids to go to a private school, you are going to have to take them out of the city.
I’m at a bit of a crossroads right now, because I grew up in Nigeria where I was content with whatever I had. My family was a bit well off, but my parents never raised us to want or ask. We were raised to give, instead. I had no TV in my room, and I didn’t watch much TV either. So, I was happy and content and didn’t need material things to survive.
Then I came back to the US when I was fifteen and OMG. It was so overwhelming, and has been that way ever since. A couple of things I took with me (from my parents) were: education should always be the main focus, be selective/careful with your choice of friends, and never forget where you came from. Trust me, the easiest thing to do in America is to lose your soul. Don’t get me wrong, America is truly the land of opportunities, and it is a great country, however, it is also…..
With shows like My Sweet Sixteen, True Life, Made, Cribs, all the other MTV shows aimed at this younger generation…I guess it’s just the state of TV in general, but it really makes me wonder and question if I overly expose my kids. Like I said, Sidney goes to school with Kids that live in mansions (homes that have probably been featured in Cribs), bring different cars to school everyday, etc., and he comes home asking if we can upgrade. Live in a bigger house. Drive this car, instead or suggest which car he wants for his 16th birthday (which seems to change every year).
I can’t blame him, he’s a kid. He sees this and deals with it daily. Though we raise him at home to be content, to be a giver, to have manners and all that good stuff, he is still likely want more just like any kid.
All of you who know him know, he’s a darn good kid, too. I couldn’t ask for a better son. My Sidney. But as parents, we do fall into the trap by showering him with TV, games, gadgets, and most of the things he wants to be a kid? Are we to blame? What if we say no each time he asks for something in particular for his birthday/Christmas? Are we to blame? Are we ruining his childhood, or improving it?
I just wonder, what if we packed our belongings and moved to a remote area like a village in Nigeria, or Thailand and raise our kids there, are we depriving them or helping them? (I can imagine the hopeful look on Greg’s face when he reads this for the first time.) Should we have done this when they were babies and could hardly speak? I mean, we are in a situation where Sidney is 10 and 11 years older than his siblings, so if we decide to make this change, Sidney would be negatively affected being pulled from his friends and his school.
But he is such a cool kid that while he is exposed to these things, as he gets older, he doesn’t mind losing it all either. Is he just saying that just because he knows how we feel and we teach him these things, or does he truly mean that deep down in his soul?
I’m going to leave you all with this blog to ponder, and I definitely want you to share your thoughts. We don’t raise our kids alone, it definitely takes an entire village…
One love.
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We had such a blast with that local band of kids in Bufadora. They met us each day as we strolled into town, beaming huge smiles filled with missing teeth (because they’d been stolen from the tooth fairy, not because of decay). They tried to get us to buy gum, bracelets, and other trinkets, but didn’t realize that Folake am the Queen of Haggle, not some unsuspected bright-eyed tourist.
I echo my wife’s thoughts. I’m constantly thinking about how to raise our children with the proper mix of awareness and privilege. I mean, isn’t the whole point of us working as hard as we do, to provide a better life for our children?
It’s hard to temper reward with responsibility and restraint.
At times, I really want to pick up and go live in Zanzibar with my family, so that they can really appreciate a lifestyle that’s closer to humanity’s median, not its uppermost parts. It’s not punishment; it’s a form of enlightenment. I wish I’d learned at an earlier age how overpaid we are in this country.
Really interested to see what everyone else thinks…
I was born in US , but raised in Nigeria for 12 years. I returned to the US at 12 years of age and I can relate to this blog.Though I was raised in a well to do family , I never lost touch of the ability to be humane & cordial to everyone.I was raised in a village and the experiences I took from once being a village inhabitant have made me stronger… Read More.For instance, if there is a blackout , I don’t freak, I simply light my candles. If the washing machine broke down and I needed to wash something, I know how to hand was my items. As a young girl, I was not preoccupied with how many toys I had,but since I always enjoyed playing with other children at the time, we were very inventive with our play objects. Here in America, one has to go to the beach to build sand castles, etc. Back home, we built entire cities using sand. We learned folk songs and sang to each other and in the evening,we’d gather around while the elders told folk stories and they always had a lessons in them.
wow…i was about to add to my note that hand washing one’s clothes, walking to the river to get water,etc…it is all a form a meditation.
Hmmm,
Like Folake and Adanma, I also spent parts of my life in Nigeria as well and also remember all of those things fondly.
As parents, I think its natural for us to worry about our kids and how we are doing and whether we are making the best choices. I think for the mere fact that we are even thinking about it, it shows we have a lot more foresight than most.
Agreed, certain programs and lifestyles are excessive. But I dont think we have gotten there quite yet. Despite the fact that I grew up washing my clothes in a bucket with omo or premier bar washing soap (that should bring back memories) I would much prefer to toss them in the washing machine now than go back to handwashing! I am happy with the strides that have been made in technology.
I don’t think our children would appreciate living without the things they have become somewhat accustomed to…
Would I like for my son to play in the sand? Err, heck no(no offense to Adanma) only at the beach. I think its a different era. What we grew up with and what’s available right now make for different pastimes.
Folake you may be right about ignorance being bliss. But I like knowing whats out there and whats available. I don’t necessarily have to have it all and this is what we need to teach our kids, I think. Just because A has got it, it doesn’t mean B and C need it as well.
Lets decide ourselves what to get our kids and the life we want for them. Lets not let society dictate it for us.
Nigerians are WELL known for their parties. If they televised some of them, they would rival the sweet 16’s…
I could go on and on!!!
So let me stop NOW
I don’t know, i think I’m in the middle somewhere - want the technologies and advancement of today but in Naija or the Caribbean. I have the best memories of home, like Adanma said, NEPA takes light we light candles or turn on the generator till 2am to save diesel :)(the fuel not the clothing line) and I enjoy my dishwasher and washing machines but it won’t break me if they are not there, if in naija would probably have househelp to take care of that
Oh! how I appreciate those days - in these countries were only the very wealthy have hired help.
Nowadays satellite and cable are the norm in naija,so I won’t miss out on my fave tv shows (just be a season behind) whereas back then NTA2 and OGTV were what we had and that wasn’t much, so I read books - a lot!! still do today, my library card is nicely worn (and it’s card number 2). Hubby and I talk about going back home often because we both have such fond memories of growing up at home. Reality is that things have changed back home, yes - however the fundamentals are still there - it’s still a trip getting gifts from away and travelling abroad on hols, you still learn that not everyone is as fortunate as you - the street urchins selling “pyour water” and newspapers and all other things while you’re being driven to school by your driver. I don’t know, I think it’s possible to have the best of both worlds but in naija (or the Caribbean - got to rep for hubby’s people)
It’s good to see both sides of the coin. I hear you all. I’m not saying I’d like to move to the village and have nothing accessible. I’m simply saying may be less is more?!?! Not relying solely on technology…if that makes sense. I actually still hand wash my clothes. Used to it. We have never used the dishwasher in our house, and we’ve been living there for a little over 5years. My chores are still the first things I do when I wake up in the morning. These things are second nature (you know, washing your underwear in the shower??? If you went to boarding school, you’d remember this). Not waiting till your laundry piles up before getting it done? Remi, you did take us back, though. Omo and premier? Lol. I mean, I wish my kids can hand wash their clothes. I wish they can live and play freely like we did growing up. It’s hard to do that these days. Fear of your kids being kidnapped, hit by a car or something crazy happening to them. When I was growing up, it was different. We came back home when it was time to wash up and eat dinner. Like Adanma said, we were creative. We didn’t need video games, tv, etc. Of course it’s a different era, but culture is culture and we should never forget that. It made us who we are today.
My reality is that things have changed back home (like Buki said). My biggest fear is security. Fear of our well being. Fear of being robbed/attacked. It happened a few times to my father and that hit home. Bad!
I can certainly relate to this blog and as a mother of two, I can say that this is one of the primary reasons why I moved back to Nigeria.
There is def something to be said for American excesses, you just can’t help it, in the US, it seems that you or your children simply NEED this or that.
Moving to Nigeria, you really have to draw the line between a need and a want and it’s not that you can’t afford things but when you LOOK around you, you really feel a need to curb your excesses!
I wanted my children be kids for a little while longer and not have that sense of entitlement that I see amongst American children… and to have less and appreciate everything that they have.
Yes, here in Nigeria we have cable, have maids, so the children do not have to wash dishes or clothes, and drivers BUT there is still a sense of balance, even in the midst of privilege. My children play outside in the evening (hides & seek, brown girl in the ring etc). They ride their bikes in the yard, they are learning Yoruba AND they also watch Disney channel.
For instance, my five year old did not get a single gift for Xmas this year but we had the most wonderful Xmas! She did not even ask for a gift but was more interested in setting up her Xmas tree and getting something for her friends at school. On Xmas day, we cooked a great meal, spent time with family and she played with other children. It was wholesome and nice and not a single gift was exchange. Now, for her birthday, I will get her a gift but it continues to be a balancing act.
I have quite a few expatriate friends here in Nigeria (African American, White, and Indian) that also felt the need to expose their children to another culture and get away from the American way of life, at least for a while.
Also, for the record, it is a misconception to think that people do not get robbed or car jacked or killed in the US. It’s on the news everyday.
Tokunbo, thanks for your comment. You seem to be right on top of it, but does having maids, drivers and the like not spoil the kids? Do you have chores for them? Do they get to walk, ride their bike or skateboard to school at times? That’s still luxury to me…unless there is a balancing act. I grew up with all these things too, but I used to wonder why we did. Because my father made sure that the first thing we did in the morning (after waking up) was to clean the house. We washed the cars..we were involved.
Oh, yes of course, people get robbed/car jacked everywhere. It is certainly not a misconception of mine. Like I said, it hit home. It is a problem if it is where I grew up. A place I call home. A place where we all grew up freely, played outside until late at night, and all of a sudden, we no longer have that privilege. You can’t leave your house after a certain time, go from VI to Ikeja after a certain hour, etc. That’s bothersome. Not saying these things have not always been there. Just saying that it has heightened.
Another perspective perhaps, Folake? I was born to West Indian parents and grew up in the UK. We had a very simple, gadget-free upbringing, with daily chores, long walks to school, outdoor play - and one bike for 6 of us (definately monopolosed by the boys). Dad used this same bike to teach us all to ride. Marriage brought me to Nigeria and I now have two young children. Compared to my upbringing and lifestyle, theirs is very luxurious. In retrospect, I see that though they really are unspoiled kids by nature, they’ve always had everything they asked for. They don’t do chores, but after reading your blog - they will. My son’s 9 and very much into computer games. He’s also very intelligent. To him this means he doesn’t need to exert himself academically.. Unlike me, who was really hard working as a child and came home from school, straight to my room with my homework before I was allowed to play outside. He’ll procrastinate till I get on him to do his homework - then he’ll whip through it in 5 mins with his eyes closed! My point is that we seem to expect less of our children than our parents did of us. My new recent rule for him was, home from school, homework, outside play, 30 mins tv and 30 mins games before bed - on school nights.
But over xmas, when we went to my husband’s village with the in-laws, all his cousins had PSPs. He didn’t. This meant he spent the whole time waiting for his ‘turn’ then squirreling the apparatus away into a quiet room to play, while there was so much fun going on outside. Following this holiday, he begged us to get him his own PSP so last weekend I spent the whole of Saturday scouring Abuja for this elusive - and very expensive toy. No joy! Yesterday a friend mentioned that her hubby’s in Atlanta, due back on Wednesday, I quickly hopped on the bandwagon, using this opportunity to get one brought in for him as well as a Nintendo DS for my 7 year old daughter. I feel like I’ve accomplished my objective for the first half of 2009 - and yet I’m thoroughly ashamed I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘NO’. Why? I know the answer to this. I didn’t like that he was the ‘have-not’ amongst, not privilidged rich kids, but his cousins, I didn’t like the way they came and snatched their PSPs from him before he was done playing. I didn’t like the way my in laws looked sorry for him. WHAT HAVE I BECOME!! But the surprising thing to me is that being in Nigeria hasn’t necessarily meant our children want less. They want the same things. They want muchmore than I wanted - and they get it. My economic status isn’t that of my parents. But have I done better - or worse??
@ Debbie, wow! Many thanks for your comment and a special thank you for your realism and openness. This is exactly why I write. To start up a discussion about our kids, family, relationships. For each and everyone of us to know that we are not alone in this. Like I said in the post, it takes a village to raise a kid(s).
Now to address your comment, I personally don’t allow Sidney to play any sort of video games on school nights. He doesn’t get that privilege till weekends, and even more so, I try to occupy him with outdoor activities instead. Sidney gets home from school around 5ish due to after school program. I always have him do his homework at the program or at least attempt. The first thing he does when he gets home is grab a book of his choice and read for 30mins. Then we check his homework, have dinner, and he hangs out with us till he goes to bed at 8 or 8:30. Depends.
I have been in your situation described above. Where Sidney was forced to be humble..wait his turn for a gadget/game he didn’t have. Did I go out and get him the same game there after? No. Because he needs to learn that he can’t have everything he wants. Furthermore, he needs to understand that because ‘A’ has this, does not mean that ‘B’ has to have it. He needs learn to live without. Like I said, Sidney only gets this sort of things on special occasions. Birthdays, Christmas or if a family member gifts him.
As far as chores, Sidney is responsible for cleaning after himself. He cleans up his room, I accompany him to do his laundry and make him fold or hang up all his clothes. He is responsible for setting up the dinner table. He washes his dishes after every meal or snack, and helps out around the house with errands.
Granted, I have a cleaning lady come in every 2weeks for a thorough cleaning of the house, but we have to maintain the cleanliness until then.
Here is a perfect example. Just last night, Sidney came home from a play date. He told me about a situation that happened while he was at his friend’s house. His friend wanted dinner, and yelled at his mom. “Mom, I want mac n cheese now!” and Sidney said to him, “dude chill. Your mom is cooking and you can’t yell at her like that.” Sidney said he told him that if that was my mom, she’d spank me, and I can’t talk to my mom like that. It bothered him. He said his friend didn’t even say please and was just plain rude.
As parents, I think we should expect just as much as our parents expected from us. The only thing I do differently is actually communicate with my kids. I think it is really important. I want them to be able to come and talk to me about anything and everything. And of course, shower them with love. I get kisses and ‘I love yous’ before they go to sleep, step out of the house and as soon as they get in from anywhere. All phone calls and v.msgs. too.
We are all learning from one another. I learn from you, just as much as you from me. I take tips from every single comments. You are doing a terrific job with your kids. It’s tough being a mom because we just want to spoil our kids, but we ought to know when to draw the line.
There are so many spoilt, over-indulged children in Nigeria, you wouldn’t believe it! I really don’t want to bring my children up without the respect fro people and things I learned. My husband’s upbringing was similar to mine so we agree on child-rearing tactics, but sometimes attitudes creep in and it’s important and refreshing at these times to be honest and see another perspective. I’ve taken notes from you Folake, we’re all - always learning. Thanks.