Relationships
He Is Just Not That Into You
One of my readers sent this situation to my inbox. Of course, she wants to remain anonymous, however, she’d still like for us to share our opinions with her. Let me start by saying that this lady is one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. Seriously, she is drop dead gorgeous!!! Just ask me for a picture and I will send it over. No!
Now, the reason I said yes to this is because there’s a twist. She is with child. Remember, my blog is called “blogging for the little ones.” Alright, let’s dig in. She has been dating this gentleman for a few years. I mean…she moved over to his state just to be closer to him - to let him know that she is “for real” and wants to take it to the next level (in her mind). Mistake #1: she moved in with him. Note to self: Never move in with a guy unless he puts a ring on it.
A lot of women move in with their boyfriends thinking somehow that will lead to a more serious relationship or marriage. Or (I like this one) they can keep a close eye on him. *blank stare* Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the only good that comes out of living with your boyfriend is steady sex (if you are horny as hell that’s great for you), and if you are lucky, you may save on rent. The bad, well, the list is long so I will make it short and sweet:
- He’ll never marry you
- You become his chef & maid
- You are his constant vajayjay (my word for vagina..different blog)
- You may get fat
- He starts to loose respect for you
- You cry a lot
- You put up with all his nasty habits without being his wife
- You practically become his mom instead of lady love. If I keep going, I’m never going to talk about the matter at hand.
In anycase, Tiffany (alias) is in her 30s and wants to settle down and start having kids. She wants to get married. Not only is she feeling the pressure from friends who are either settled with kids or begining to settle down, are parents are far from happy with her situation. Well, I asked if she had talked to him about this? She said yes, but says she can’t bring it up often because she doesn’t want to seem pressed! Hello???? YOU ARE! If you’re not we won’t be having this dialogue. Mistake #2: ladies, you have to be real with yourself and your man. Let them know what your priorities are.
I asked what he says in return when they have this conversation? Well, he says he does want to settle down and have kids at some point, but that he is not ready. This guy is in his late thirties. I’m thinking, at that age, if a guy says that, may be he’s just not that into you, or doesn’t see you mothering his kids? That’s just me! They have been together for 4 years. Isn’t that enough time to figure things out? From what she says, it seems like this guy has been around the block and back! I personally think that she can do better and it’s not about looks or finances. It is just simply because the guy lacks respect for her and makes that known when they are out with or without friends.
He talks about her flaws all the time and puts her down in front of friends. Personally, I see this often and I usually hope that one day, these girls bump their head really hard on a wall/floor and things fall in place. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s definitely not about looks. She sent pictures over and I wouldn’t put him on the “cute” category, but it shouldn’t be about that - especially when you are older. Your priorities are different and you no longer chase after the model type. If you happen to catch one that has the looks/brains/finances/character all in one, God bless you! But those fine boys and girls can be a lot of work!
Tiffany admitted to having a low self esteem due to issues in her past. Mistake #3: note to self: If you have a low self esteem, figure it out and work on yourself before venturing into a relationship, or date a guy with a low self esteem (Not!!! Recipe for a bad relationship)! She does not think highly of herself which is most of the problem. She is constantly concerned about her looks, and if her man is cheating.
Let’s hear from both men & women’s perspective. Can we give her any pointers? Do we have people in her shoes that can relate? I’m definitely no expert, but I’d like to show her some support. Especially now that a child is involved.
BTW, he does not know that she is pregnant yet.
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whoa, this one is heavy…let me tread lightly as I am not walking in her shoes…with that said, here’s my take on it - before she tells him she’s preggers, she should do the following: 1)perform a heart-searching assessment of herself and what she’s willing to endure in a relationship AND why (that is key); 2)explore the fact that he may not want to marry her and come to terms with that - this is by far much harder to do than #1. Once she has those answers, she should sit him down for a “where-do-you-see-this-relationship-going?” conversation. It has to be a raw (not vulgar or angry), vulnerable and open conversation - all pride, pretense and pose left at the door. The conversation is not over until he says “i want to marry you and have you be the mother of my kids, I would like this to happen in X months, years etc.” or says “I don’t see us being together because…” After 4 years of a relationship, part of it live-in, he knows what he wants; he may not be bold enough to say it - but he knows and owes it to your friend to let her know. Should the decision be to continue and work towards the altar, I cannot ENCOURAGE them enough to seek pre-marital counseling. It is one of the best things you could ever do for each other before marriage - but you must pick a really good counselor, in their situation I’d recommend individual couple counseling as opposed to group counseling.That’s my humble 2cents worth, in no way judging their relationship but hopefully sharing some direction for solutions.
I know, Buki. Same thing I thought when I got the request, but I also felt for her. She is not a friend, she is one of my readers and one of many women I reach out to, so for her to confide in me and put her story out there, suggests that she is willing to stand up and take charge of herself. You know, we can only advice, support, encourage, discourage, etc. Ultimately, the final decision is hers. I just hope that we can somehow help her make better choices. Your points are very valid, and I thank you so much for much for not judging.
Poor Tiffany.You should face this situation head on and move out of his home. Especially when its a known rule he degrades you in public by using your vulnerabilities as an ice breaker. Damn girl,he is making sure when he’s done with you, you won’t even know your name , know what you stand for, stood for.He’s trying to make you lose your soul. You gotta have more love for yourself.
Its time you flip the script.Have more self love, be the love you want.
Everyone is different and awakens to be who they really are at their own time. I think its great to accept that we all have our own processes we go through and really honor that.
I have a friend in her mid thirties. She’s been with a man for about 3 years. They don’t live together but I hardly ever saw her since her every moment was consumed with thinking about him or being with him. Up until about 6 months ago he couldn’t say I love you and wasn’t willing to talk about their future together. She was crying a lot, feeling bad about herself all of those things you said above Folake. I was urging her to move on saying - maybe you are both good people who are just not meant to be together - or - maybe he’s just not that into you.
She decided to break up with him, to get on with her life, focus on her goals and what she wanted and to stop going crazy over this man every living second. He was shocked. No one had ever broken up with him before he said! That of course made her feel great! After a few weeks he was calling her and saying how he didn’t realize that he had taken her for granted and how much he loved her. Yes he said it! They are back together and he is now so loving and kind to her and says I love you all the time. She still maintains her focused life she gained back when they broke up. She is so much happier. They now talk about marriage and having kids and living together. So by her being true to her feelings and standing up for and honoring herself she created a better situation for both of them!
Wow, what a story, Theo! Talk about empowerment!!!