Kids
Is It Tougher Being a Wife or a Mother?
I was watching my dose of momversation (http://www.momversation.com) about two weeks ago, and the topic was “Wife or mother: What’s harder?” These were three married women with kids (obviously) discussing. It was really interesting to watch. Immediately, I thought oh it is definitely harder being a mother!!!! No “ifs”, “ands” or “buts” about it.
I mean, once you become a mom, your heart just beats faster than normal. From there on, it is constant worry about your child(ren). You are immediately responsible for a being and its future is in your hands. Whether your child becomes the future President or a serial killer is in your hands, to a certain degree. You have to mold this child, instill manners, and guide and guard this child.
Anytime any of my kids step out of the house, I am consistently afraid. When Sidney is out skating or biking, I make him call or check in regularly. Sad, but true. When I’m out on a date with hubby, yes, I check-in to make sure all is well with the kiddies. I try not call every 5 minutes, though.
Eventually, as kids get older and turn into pre-teens and teens, they begin to have a mind of their own. They start to get affected by peer pressure, they want to be independent and grow wings. Some are grounded and some are just wild and you just have to pray that you have laid a good foundation and your child will choose right and make good decisions. Being a parent is a full-time non-stop job.
But being a wife? It’s a breeze, in comparison. The biggest difference is that you get to choose your spouse, but not your children. Hopefully you’ve done your homework, and found the one that’s right for you, because that will make your job of being a wife loads of fun, and much easier.
Don’t get me wrong, being married isn’t easy, it’s just that marriage doesn’t hold the same finality that parenthood does (ideally, of course, you have married your soul mate, but there is recourse if the relationship with your spouse is irrevocably broken). You can’t, on the other hand, divorce your child. Your child is yours, no matter what, even if you decide to disown your child; you brought them into this world and will bear a lifelong responsibility and connection to and with them, respectively.
I think it becomes tougher being a wife when kids are involved, however. In most cases, you have to work so much harder to make time for your husband, because you’re spending so much more time catering to the kids. This can lead to a strain in the relationship/marriage if it’s not checked. Especially if it’s one sided (meaning if one of the parent spends more time caring for the kids and it’s not done together, as a family unit).
Also, when you don’t have kids and have arguments or rifts with your wife/husband, it can be solved much more easily as you have more alone time to sit and hash things out, without worrying about the conversations being in private and away from the kids. (And there’s also that thing called “make-up sex” that makes you forget about any arguments or why there is a mis-understanding in the first place.) With kids around, the time and situation for conflict resolution is not quite as easy to come by.
I’m not totally sure where I stand on it. Both are lots of work. I could go on with this post, but it is only going to result in a lengthy seesawing. After all, there are arguments to be made for both sides. This is where you come in. What do you think? Which one is tougher for you and why?
God help us all…
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Tags: dad, divorce, father, folake kuye, husband, Kids, marriage, mom, mother, parenting, parents, Peer pressure, pre-teens, President, relationhip, Relationships, teens, wife 
Both re going to be difficult..
But it depend on how one can manage both situation.
Well, I’m both - and have been for a while. And yes - I agree with Folake that it’s a toss up between the two. There are definate pros and cons to both situations, however, if I had to choose one exclusively I would choose to be a mother. Does this mean that being a wife’s more difficult? I don’t think so, to some women it’s a life’s dream to be loved and looked after in an intimate relationship. I guess that ‘more’ of me is fed by my maternal instincts than my instincts to belong to a ‘couple.’
Already I fee like I’m rambling and there really is no clear cut answer, but, I’ll put it like this: Being a wife = being in a relationship. Being a mother = being in a relationship. Being in a relationship with my children is (at the moment, they’re 16, 9 and 7) less like hard work. How’s that!
I will tell you this, motherhood sort of dampens one’s sex life. So, but it’s definitely hard work to have a relationship with your spouse and co-parent as well.
One person always does more of the child rearing. That’s the way it generally is.And often after a long day , feeding the children, playing with them , being involved in their school activities, you barely have enough energy to be romantic.
And the sad part is, you don’t really realize how much one on one you need from your partner,until you get the one on one. After that, everything seems like a breeze. No stress. You feel alive once again.
I am 31 years old ,at my peak and my husband and I need more one on one.
It’s definitely a worthy sacrifice to choose stability in the name of a commitment and motherhood. It gives meaning to one’s life when you are building a concrete foundation for the future.
@ Orimadegun, thanks for your comment. Both are difficult!
@ Debbie, Yes, exclusively? I will choose to be a Mother. The most fulfilling role, but I love my husband dearly and I’m glad we don’t have to choose. The topic just got me thinking and I had to share and hear other thoughts. Like I said, immediately, I was like oh, being a Mother is much harder. However, as I started to write, I was going back and forth with myself. Thanks for sharing.
@ Kayla, lol! I agree with you on the sex part. In terms of one person doing more of the raring, I have made a pact with Greg that it’s a ‘no-no’ for one parent to do more. We equally contribute. He changes as many diapers, cooks dinner, feeds, etc. One has to find a balancing act and get each parent involved so they both know and are familiar with the hardwork. At the end of the night when/if I say NO to sex, he/she will not complain.
I just turned 32 and hubby is a couple of year older. We try to hang-out with other couples our age (with child(ren)), go out on dates like we just met, and strive to do things together. It’s tough, but like you said, well worth it. Thanks for sharing.
Its definitely thougher being a mom than a wife, being a ‘good wife’ is equally right there with being a good mom, i think once you become a mom, you automatically sign up for being scared, fear of what the kids are doing, where they are and things like that preoccupy your mind and you cant stop thinking about them for a second, and even when when they are right in your face, you have to keep up with what they are doing, stop touchin this, dont do that, you cant say that, thats a bad word, checking with them all day long is more than enough task, but its a good task because they are wonderful creatures, you cant stop laughing or marvel at what they do, act and say, i’ll choose to be a mom anyday and anytime with so much joy that they bring and of caause keeping the relationship between you and your spouse rolling high is also a lot of energy, the only one that can provide us with that kind of energy is the good lord because the truth is men want sex, sex and more sex even when they are tired, you cant really keep up with their energy when it comes to sex, i just try to make it up in other areas like making real good and special meals, take vacations, pics, movies and lots more so sex is needed when neccessary and not all the time.
@ Kemi, I hear you. Great way to find balance. Thanks for sharing your insight with us. Appreciate it.
Both r tough but motherhood is surely tougher! being a wife - u r married to an adult (hopefully :)) who can “read” u to some extent and anticipate/adjust to you accordingly; communication - in that we both speak and understand each other’s words - is easy.
Being a mother (at least to younger ones) that luxury does not exist and you have to make that conscious switch of “he/she can’t read me just yet; now how do I get across what I’m trying to say?” Also knowing I’m responsible for this life, however way they turn out it will be the mother to take the praise or the blame - God give me strength! LOL!
Both are equally tough jobs. And depending on who you marry…it will determine which you will prefer , to be honest. We also have to bear in mind that being a wife means you are also a mother to your husband as well…
Juggling and multi-tasking are one of the many things we women do rather well (THANK GOD!!) otherwise how we all survive???
Wewe darling,,,love this post…my comment…that was why God made women.
@ Buki, exactly my point. Being responsible for a life, and getting the credit/blame however they turn out. That’s a lot of pressure (in a good way). Same goes for the spouse too actually, though, not on the same level. Behind every successful man, is a woman. The strength behind it all.
@ Remi, I agree that who you marry helps determine which you’ll prefer. That’s so right on! I also agree that we are mothers to the husbands…lol. What’s up with that?
And why is it that we are so great at multi-tasking and juggling and it seems so hard for men? Hmmmm…
@ Yewande, thank you
I guess so. I guess that’s why God made women 
A well satisfied woman equals a very good mother & wife. Tough job …but it can be done.
First and foremost, it is tough being a woman, having to deal with PMS and Childbirth. Then to top it up with being a wife and a mom. I basically think a woman’s work is cut out for her. I survive by asking God for strength everytime because your duties have to be done regardless. For me, I will say that being a mom is tougher because I have a toddler(her energy is equal to 2kids) and I have to be at her beck and call,potty training, washing her and all other duties associated. However, being a wife is also a huge task since you have to look HOT despite all the madness, and maintain the home, and have SEX when my whole body aches. I like the part where you said that Greg helps u with everything, that is cool, but Nigerian men sometimes are not like that, thankfully my husband is acknowledging that he does have to be involved in the tasks of the house.Indeed, may God help us all and bless our families.
@ Sally, I hear you. It is certainly cut out for us, and praying is definitely the way to go. However, African men or not, I think we need to start educating our husbands and making them just as responsible. I am really thankful and grateful that Greg naturally likes to do these things. He owns the kitchen and just completely takes care of the kids, but we still communicate about the responsibilities and try to make sure that we are constantly on the same page. I’m glad your hubby acknowledges this. It’s the way to go. God’s blessings!
Hi Folake,thanks for commenting back. I love ur blog a lot.My family and I just moved to NewYork late last year and I am wondering if any of the stores in Manhattan carry ur stuff. Pls advice, I would like to get some for me and my little one + hubby.Or is it better to buy it online. Thanks and hope all is well.Keep the good work up.
@ Sally- My pleasure! Thank you for appreciating the blog. WeWe is not in Manhattan. You are better off ordering online. Again, thanks.