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Love Does Not Hurt: Relationships & Violence
I had to do a post on this issue because it is really dear to my heart. I support non-profits who are dedicated to putting an end to “violence against women” and “physical/mental abuse against women & children.” Now, to be clear, violence against men and animals is unacceptable too, of course. However, I am just “me.” I can’t participate/support every organization out there. And my passion lies in the betterment of women and children.
I am going to be as real as it gets on this post. And it’s either you take it, or leave it. If you can’t bear to handle the truth, don’t care to read, then please, click and surf away. As always, if my post can help just one person (as I know it does from my inbox messages), then my work is worthwhile.
I am in no way, in an abusive relationship. I am blessed with a beautiful man and lovely kids, however, I am going to include myself in this post. I will talk generally as a woman addressing all women in this situation, as I am in no way better, bigger, smarter, stronger or brighter than anyone of you. And most importantly, I am fighting for a cause.
That being said, I am amazed at how often women stay in an abusive relationship, why we don’t walk away the first time, or why we make excuses…convincing ourselves that being in a violent relationship is OK and will get better with time.
How does an argument between two people, that claim to love or to be in love with one another, quickly wind up in violence? How do you look at your girlfriend, wife, mother of your child(ren) and punch her in the face, beat her mercilessly, call her names, and then want/try to be intimate with her again and again? How is that possible? What sort of satisfaction can you possibly get from physically, verbally, mentally or emotionally abusing your loved one, this person you supposedly cherish?
This is yet another way for men to establish control over their spouse. By trying to create power through fear and intimidation.
Think about how many violent relationships result in murder. Either the man beats his wife/partner until she takes her last breath or the victim snaps one day and kills the man. Either way, relationships of this sort never end well. Why can’t we walk away or seek help? Why do we keep going back (if we leave) to this kind of relationship?
Is there a deeper biological behavior at the root? Is it low self-esteem? Is it fear? Is it because the man tells us that no-one else wants us and we’ll never find love outside him? Is it fear of being a single mom? Is it what your culture promotes? Is it growing up in an abusive household, as women tend to date/marry their father’s kind!?
What? We can surely do better!
In my opinion, this is a serious case of co-dependent behavior.
This is very similar to being addicted to drugs in a way. You know it’s bad for you, yet it gives you this temporary high. This roller-coaster feeling. There are good times, and there are bad times. We know deep down inside that we should never succumb to a man hitting or hurting us. We break up, move out, he comes back begging (knowing fully well that he has you wrapped around his pinky) and we go back to him. Thinking, this time, he’ll change. The relationship will be better. But it gets worse because the ugly truth is domestic abuse escalates over time.
We won’t actually change until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change. It is the fear of the unknown and the pain of change that are our greatest enemies and most formidable obstacles.
It is so hard for women to reach out. It is such a huge step. Some women view it as shameful. We end up with a black eye, bruises, cuts, and broken bones yet again. Scars all over our bodies. We make one excuse after another like “I fell off the stairs”, “I just want to make my marriage work”, “The kids need their father”, “I got bit by the dog”, etc.
Women, c’mon!
We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and in most cases, it’s about tapping into that inner strength of ours and finding the courage to move on. But until we do, the cycle will continue to repeat itself. It will never change.
This brings me to the case of Chris Brown and Rihanna. Reading one blog to another, some men made comments like “she was too envious and possessive,” etc. And? She deserved to be beaten because of that? Now, they are back together, and there are talks about them making music together, and possibly getting married. How disturbing is this? What kind of message is this sending to the younger generation of men and women that look up to these two stars? Why couldn’t she seek help, counseling and speak up on the incident, letting her fans know that violence is never to be reckoned with?
Oprah Winfrey put out a statement via video stating that she’d be dedicating an entire show next week to “domestic violence,” and focusing more on the younger generation. That is how serious this has become. She also said the following: “He will hit you again!! Give it some time, get yourself some counseling, If a man hits you once, he will hit you again.”
Donald Trump even had this to say “She better get the hell out. If she goes back, she’s a loser, and she doesn’t deserve to have any future success.”
Perhaps what’s needed more than anything else, is the supportive community of other women who’ve gone through this before. Find solace in knowing that there are tons of women who’ve faced the same demons and are now living happy, wholly useful lives free of violence and repetitious assault. Whether you are in a relationship, or have broken free of the cycle, there are people out there that need you. As recovering alcoholics need to keep passing their message of sobriety to one another to stay sober, we can help each other the same by sharing our stories and strength with each other.
My lovely ladies, I can’t scream this enough. Talk to someone, seek help. You owe this to yourself. You are beautiful, strong, and empowered. Free yourself from abuse, and remember this, “freedom breeds more freedom.”
Stay blessed!
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Tags: abusive marriage, abusive relationship, alcoholics, assault, Chris Brown, co-dependent behavior, co-dependent relationships, controlling spouse, dating violence, Domestic abuse, domestic violence hurts everyone, Donald Trump, dosomething.org, folake kuye, love does not hurt, NBC, NBC4, Oprah, Oprah show, Oprah's comment to Rihanna, Oprah's message to Rihanna, physical abuse, possessive relationships, relationship freedom, Rihanna, Sobriety, wife beater 
Thank you for the article.
I can tell you why some women stay. Our kids. The courts will and DO give custody of children to the abuser. Some men unfortunately see this as a last attempt to control the woman and it’s very effective.
Walk in to family court and tell them that he abused you. Bring photos. Bring witnesses. It won’t matter. You are the uncooperative spouse, you are crazy - unstable and don’t deserve your kids. Now, you are left without your kids and instead have to beg for time to see your babies, worry yourself sick each and every day about them being with HIM, and get to write a check each month to your abuser. Thats Hell. Trust me, thats Hell.
Until we protect women through and through the system, nothing will change and nothing will get better. This is punishing the victim at it’s finest. Who benefits? Not her and not the kids. Just the jerk who is the problem in the first place.
Thanks for the article,
I was in a very abusive relationship for three years. Kick, punched, choked, degraded, interrogated, called everything in the book, you name it I went through it. The worst part was nothing ever really seemed to set him off. He would just do it for no reason. Then later it would be “you need to learn how to keep your mouth shut”. Just a simple excuse to make him feel better about the incident.
When I finally left for good, I of course followed that with another abusive relationship. This one being more mental abuse. He worked very hard every day to make sure I knew I would never do any better than him. Oh and how lucky I was for that.
After all is said and done the number one question I get asked is “why would you keep coming back? Why stay?” Well if you would have asked me back then I would have said I loved him, which of course now I realize that wasn’t it. My exes made sure they had me mentally before they even got to the physical part. When you spend your everyday being told that your ugly, fat, worthless, and a bad person…you start to believe it. So every time I sat down and thought I need to leave, those were the first thought that popped into my head. I really thought I deserved it.
So if you’re wondering why people stay, that would be my guess. At least in my experience. It isn’t nearly as simple as people seem to think it is to get out. I ended up getting out for good, of course this took family and friends pulling me out. Even then I was having doubts. It’s been five years and my self esteem still needs some work…but I now know I don’t deserve it. Nobody does!
Thanks for the article,
I was in a very abusive relationship for three years. Kick, punched, choked, degraded, interrogated, called everything in the book, you name it I went through it. The worst part was nothing ever really seemed to set him off. He would just do it for no reason. Then later it would be “you need to learn how to keep your mouth shut”. Just a simple excuse to make him feel better about the incident.
When I finally left for good, I of course followed that with another abusive relationship. This one being more mental abuse. He worked very hard every day to make sure I knew I would never do any better than him. Oh and how lucky I was for that.
After all is said and done the number one question I get asked is “why would you keep coming back? Why stay?” Well if you would have asked me back then I would have said I loved him, which of course now I realize that wasn’t it. My exes made sure they had me mentally before they even got to the physical part. When you spend your everyday being told that your ugly, fat, worthless, and a bad person…you start to believe it. So every time I sat down and thought I need to leave, those were the first thought that popped into my head. I really thought I deserved it.
So if you’re wondering why people stay, that would be my guess. At least in my experience. It isn’t nearly as simple as people seem to think it is to get out. I ended up getting out for good, of course this took family and friends pulling me out. Even then I was having doubts. It’s been five years and my self esteem still needs some work…but I now know I don’t deserve it. Nobody does!
PS: Wanted to mention good post!
A very edited version.
I stayed because I was scared, because I knew nothing else, and because I believed there were no choices. The time had not come for me to be otherwise. I had to be exposed to the right people and experiences at the right time. This time has come and I feel no fear, just peace. I am just leaving an abusive relationship which I’ve been in for 10 years. I marvel everyday at my strength - God given. This man hasn’t broken me, he’s helped me develop, grow, and find my inner beauty and strength. I thank God every day for him.. I also thank God for my two beautiful children who live because we met.
I came out of an early marriage at 28 which was mentally abusive. I had married from an abusive home. I went into this marriage because I felt I had to be saved. My second marriage, at 32 was also to rescue me from being alone. I couldn’t cope with life, having been brough up in a close religious community. I needed someone to look out for me. I had also lost my daughter to my firest marriage, so I was emotionally crushed. I went in weak. A dependant relationship is by default an abusive one - before the first blow has even been struck. None of this felt wrong until I was strong, and clear enough and ready to fall in love with myself enough to know and feel I deserve happiness, and to know I’d be okay. To this point this has been life’s lesson to me.
While in the midst of my lessons I read voraciously all the books by all the authors who had lived my experience, Maya Angelou, Iyanla Vanzant, strong black women still standing tall. I wanted to feed myself with couragous examples, but it wasn’t yet my time. A friend once told me that only I know the point of no return, no one can prescribe it. Now I understand those words. Another dear friend said we women must always be allowed to speak, they should never take away our voice -all we have is our voice! Another dear friend told me of his mother’s stuggle with abuse and how it took sinking to depths previously unthinkable before she could bring herself to break societal laws and leave her marriage. These friends are all my angels.
I’m in transition, I’ve talked to friends, I’ve turned it inwards, and I’ve been on a journey of self discovery filled sometimes with pain, sometimes with joy - always with blessings. I crossed paths with people whom I know are God-sent, you are one of them.
Now, as I prepare for the next phase of my life I embrace my future and look forward to every day.
I hope and pray that we women learn to let each other in, to trust each other. We need each other more than we can ever know. Not all men are enemies,but all women should be friends.
I’m 42, I’m beautiful, I’m very proud of myself, my family and my friends and all my dreams will come true - because I say so.
@ Anonymous- Thank you for your comment. I don’t know if I’m shocked or angry that an abused woman looses the battle in court even after showing proof of violent attacks! I’m sure it’s not the case for all and I know that when it’s all said and done, most decisions are based on the Judge’s discretion, but after showing proof? The system definitely needs a lot of improvement in their “protection” of women.
@ Erica- You are not alone! It is common to go from one abusive relationship to another because that’s all you know and are familiar with. I’m glad you finally found the courage to leave. And I’m especially grateful that your family & friends stepped in. I can’t imagine how difficult and lonely it must have been for you. All these years! I wish you well, and nothing but the best. Many thanks for sharing your story, and trust that you’ve (at least) touched one soul with it. I hope you are getting some counseling too. Stay strong!
@ Debbie- You have come a long way, haven’t you? Bless your heart! You are inspiring. As far as I’m concerned, you are on the right track (the ladies above are too). Acknowledging and gaining control of one’s self is KEY. Like your friend said, ONLY YOU know when it’s time to leave. No one can make you. Unfortunately, that time never comes for some women, because some cases end up fatal. The purpose of all these organizations standing up against domestic violence is to somehow drill it into our heads, that this is NOT right; there’s a way out, and they are there for us to lean on - to be our support system. Please, stay beautiful and strong. Reach out to others in your shoes.
Thank you ladies for sharing. Remain blessed and spread the word. Continue to touch lives by speaking on it.
Domestic violence is a virus in every society. It just won’t go away, unless we all make an effort to do something about it, that it can only be eradicated.
Parents show children it’s not right to hit/physically hurt other children by not being violent in the home.I witnessed a few ‘fights’ in school. I guess children act on what they see and to these chidren violence becomes second nature.
Chris Brown is just a teen and the whole Rhianna scandal has brought this abuse issue to the forefront, more people are aware of this deep rooted evil.
Fantastic blog Folake, every written or spoken word against any form violence is in it’s own way effective, spreading the word to stamp out this disease.
Keep screaming the message. Stop the Violence.
Domestic violence is an individual thingy. But sometimes some women encourage this. I have some couples that lock their selves up and beat the hell out of each other and the next minute you will see them laughing and loving again.
My ex boyfriend hit me once and that’s part of the reason we are not together anymore. Because I cant believe he hit me in the first place after making mouth that he can never beat his woman.
The thought alone that he hit me is scary that I can never end up marrying such man because I can still make my choice now. So I broke up with him and he was still violent about it that no man has ever broken up with him unless he is through with them blah blah.
It was a very bad experience for me cos I loved him too much but I have a choice. I don’t need a man like that so I move on. It was not easy but I made it through.
Do you know what me think is that a law should be pass on domestic violence and men should be sanctioned appropriately.
Violence is not right at all and we women need to fight it and stop the violence.
NB: Nice one Ms. Folake. I had an article one Violence against women. I will look for it in my archive and tag you. Keep it up.
Being in an abusive relationship has been a horror. And I’m still here. I feel so alone. I’ve lost my job, my friends and self worth. I’ve had thoughts of suicide but am too scared because I don’t want to go to hell. I feel like I have no other way out. Be with him or be alone. Or leave with nothing to show for the last 9 years of my life besides the anger and scars. My mother was in an abusive relationship for most of my life. I never thought it would happen to me. Now I’m alone, angry, ashamed and broke. I feel like a slave. I’m too proud to ask for help.