We were watching a documentary on Turkey, the country. Our little man turned to us (his parents). “Why is it called turkey?” Before we could respond…he says, “Is it because there are a lot of turkeys there?” *crickets* Seriously, what do you say to that? Both my husband and I were dying on the inside, but just sat straight faced.

My husband managed, “Well, that’s just what it’s named. It’s just the way it is.”

Hahahahahaha…gotta love the kids and their brains! Have a fantastic weekend, lovers!

The last thing I want to do is judge anyone for making certain decisions due to circumstances they find themselves in.

That being said, here are my thoughts. Having a baby with your partner is NOT a reason to get married. I feel for the poor innocent baby. Such pressure on him/her. Whatever happened to love, eh? Love and mutual respect for one another are substantial reasons to get married. There may be a couple of factors in there that may make it OK. For instance, you’ve been a couple for quite sometime or you are currently engaged. Love should be the foundation of producing babies, no? Otherwise, the child is going to end up suffering for this.

If you love each other first, and marriage was discussed prior to, sure, you might as well go ahead and seal the deal. But I don’t think you should make it about the baby/pregnancy. That’s a lot of pressure put on everyone involved. Did I already say that? Oh, thought I should reiterate. Bringing a baby into this world is a joyous moment, at the same token, it does places a strain on some relationships. Financially and emotionally, so if you don’t have a solid relationship to withhold the strains, it could cause havoc, and possibly show you that you married for the wrong reasons.

I actually think this should be the other way around. Marriage should be a reason to get pregnant. Start a family.

Now, I agree that not everyone has to adhere to the traditional views of society. Being legally married on paper does not guarantee the success of any relationship. You can choose to do things your way, have kids and not get married at all. As a matter of fact, I have seen those kind of relationships last longer that traditional ones.

It’s OK to stay together if you found out that you’re pregnant, have the baby, wait to see how things go (while you two are raising the child together), and decide if the love is still there and enough to hold a marriage. Ask yourself this. Would you have gotten married if you weren’t pregnant? Did you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person?

You know one thing I learned early on in relationships? It may sound corny, but I have always done this and it usually works for me, so it doesn’t hurt to give it a shot. On a piece of paper, write down 10 things you DON’T like about this person: 10 nuances/flaws/dislikes/habits. When you’re done, go through the list with the notion that this person you are about to marry will never change these things about themselves (afterall, you can’t change a person, right?) put a check mark next to things you can deal with, and x mark next to the ones you can’t see yourself dealing with. If the check mark out numbers the x, there’s your decision, and vice versa.

This is my own little 2 cents. Hope it helps.

Yes, I’m a tad bit psychotic. But my family likes it that way. That’s all that matters.

On a candid note, I really appreciate the fact that CNN picks up some of my posts and re-posts or recommend to their readers. It makes me feel important that my work is worthwhile and the message is getting out there. I love reading your comments, and I especially appreciate all the private messages.

Also, to all the other blogs that have my blog listed (with a direct link) on their sites, I’m working on a list and will have you listed on here as well. Once I figure out to do it (hehehe). You are all part of the community of making a difference - you are greatly appreciated.

Wow, it’s April 1st! April fools day. Today actually marks 6years that I moved out to sunny California from the east coast. It has been a heck of a journey, a fun one - and it continues to get better. I have been truly blessed, because without believing and having faith, I won’t be where I am today. To be doing what I envisioned as a kid, what I prayed for, and what I came out to California to pursue and get more?? Leaves me totally speechless.

OK, so this post just took a different turn. I totally didn’t plan the paragraph above, this I’m writing, or the one below. It just sort of happened when I realized the date, so if it seems like I threw you off, it was intentional. Albeit, the post is all about being appreciative and giving thanks, so I think it fits, right?

Many thanks to my families. The one that I have created been blessed with in California (husband, 1 bambino and 2 bambinas), my in-laws, my family on the east-coast and the ones in the great Nigeria, who always believed in me and stood by me. You all are rock stars!!! I’m just going to stop here before I get too emotional and you literally start to see the tear drops appear on your screen.

Enjoy April fools day. Let me know if you played pranks on anyone or someone got you good. Heck, share past jokes too.

Stay fab!

Credit:

Photo; Courtesy of Aviary from google images.

How many of you have actually thought, on the first date, “I am going to spend the rest of my life with him/her”, it came to pass, and you’re still together?

Those first dates can be magical, huh? You never notice the time or your surroundings. You are so involved in one another that you get sad at the idea of parting - when it’s time to.

There are definitely instances where marriages stemmed from first dates, but what are the success rates? I am having a very curious mind this afternoon, so do chime in, readers.

You know, when your spouse portrays little annoyances here and there - that potentially lead to “big deals.” Do you call it quits with him/her?

Are these annoyances really worth the headache and stress of going through a divorce? I personally don’t know. I have always thought that “grounds for divorce” should come in form of infidelity, any kind of abuse,  betrayal, falling out of love, lack of respect..you know, the big things. Supposedly. However, those little things, to me, are foundation for the bigger things written above to take place. But what do I know, eh?

Those little quirks should be worked out it before they become grand.

I think most enter into a marriage with expectations. Usually, the men expect that women are caretakers and the duties of the house belongs to them. While some women go in with the notion that men are the money makers and shakers. They make things happen. Make sure the bills get paid, etc.

In my opinion, these are primitive expectations and thoughts. This sort of conversation is such that should come up before getting married. When you two are courting. Topics like chores, finances, health, etc. should be laid out on the table so you don’t get any surprises once you tie the knot.

We need to communicate our thoughts and expectations openly and clearly. Be true to yourself.

I don’t think anyone wants to come home every single day to a lazy partner. It can be irritating. Even more so when you confront them, and they make nothing but lame excuses. One of my readers (who prompted this post), complained of her husband, who recently got laid off. She gets home everyday to find him playing xbox. He played it before he lost his job too. The only time he gets up from playing is when he needs to use the bathroom or grab something to eat. Now, is that grounds for divorce? Well, maybe not…if they can iron it out. These kinds of behavior surely puts a damper on relationships.

Before bringing up the “D” word, though, I think it’s imperative to talk it out with your spouse. Sit him/her down and have a heart to heart conversation. Let them know the severity of this dispute. If your partner truly cares, and wants to make a difference or salvage the relationship, you’ll see it and things will change. Doing chores around the house is not meant for one - not unless you’re paying someone to take care of these responsibilities. Your spouse may have come from a background where him/her have never had to lift a finger. They had everything done for them. So, it may take you actually training and talking over and over again for them to finally get it. To the point where they no longer need reminders and take initiative.

I want to hear your experiences, though. How has this worked (or not) for you?

]]> http://blog.weweclothing.com/2009/03/27/is-a-lazy-spouse-grounds-for-divorce/feed/ http://blog.weweclothing.com/2009/03/25/jon-kate-plus-8-follow-up/ http://blog.weweclothing.com/2009/03/25/jon-kate-plus-8-follow-up/#comments Wed, 25 Mar 2009 13:31:14 +0000 Folake Kuye Huntoon http://blog.weweclothing.com/?p=173 05/08/09 UPDATE: According to Us Weekly, Jon is infact having an affair!

“In the new issue of Us Weekly (on newsstands Wednesday), five people close to the situation - including two relatives of the other woman - confirm that Jon & Kate Plus 8 dad Jon Gosselin, 32, has been having an affair with third grade school teacher Deanna Hummel.

The most explosive blow-by-blow details are revealed by Deanna’s older brother - and roommate - Jason, who tells Us Weekly that he is speaking out now to set the record straight and to protect his naive sister.”

“At the Hummel house, Jason says Deanna and Jon would “pretty much stay locked away like two teenagers. It was weird. He’s a grown man. He also adds, “A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who’s, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast.”

03/25/09 FOLLOW UP UPDATE:

If you watched the season finale of “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” you’d notice that it still leaves viewers wondering about the infidelity rumors. Granted, it addressed the fact that they are having problems, and Jon having issues about being in the spotlight *blank stare.* This is coming a little too late…don’t ya think? The show is going on its 5th season. Which means he has been in the spotlight for the last 4years.

After they’ve banked dollars, gained exposure, and received numerous gifts, he is now having a problem with the spotlight? Please!

They admitted to being in an “odd place” right now in their union, but what does that mean? This statement only fuels the infidelity rumors. It does not eradicate it. It is obvious that they are having marital problems, which is truly sad. I can’t begin to fathom what life would be like for Kate if he leaves her with 8 kids. And 6 of them are toddlers…

Makes me wonder why Jon went to stay at his mother’s house in one of the episodes. He was gone for a while and Kate was left to cater for the kids herself. They did say he went to assist his mom, who broke her foot, but come on? Who leaves his wife and 8 kids for that long to cater to his mom that is only suffering from a broken foot? Sorry, mother.

Something tells me it has to do with my previous post.

Jon had this to say at the end of the interview, “I’m glad the show is popular, but it’s hard being on this side of the camera - and then trying to live your life. We don’t have privacy at all. When I go out, people photograph me. It’s tough for me. I can’t just be Jon; I have to be ‘Jon & Kate Plus 8,’ which is a really hard thing for me. I’m still coming to grips with that.”

Sigh! Life must be so rough, Jon. The fame is so intruding that the solution to that is sticking your tongue down a college girl’s throat, eh? Got it! Like I said before, I like Jon, loved him on the show. But no excuses for infidelity. Especially not the lame excuses about fame.

I really wish them well and hope that they can some how resolve this amicably. It doesn’t look like they are on the same page as far as the fame and fortune. Kate is enjoying it, including the perks, but Jon? Not so much..supposedly. Why did you sign up for it then? Or better yet, why not terminate the contract?

As Jon left it…”And there’s the conflict.” Kate is “very happy,” he is not.

I wish them the best!

In the news yesterday, there was yet another report of a mother in Houston abandoning her new born baby girl in a clothes dryer. And check this, the umbilical cord was still attached!!!!!

How insane, ruthless, heartless and mean?  Didn’t these women carry there babies for 9months and developed some sort of bond? I’m seriously trying to understand their chain of thought, but I’m not getting it.

I’m sure there are some underlying factors, but it still doesn’t add up. Sorry!

Can you imagine telling these babies when they get older? That they were found in a clothes dryer and their mothers placed them there? That will trouble them for the rest of their lives.

Let’s get it together people, can we?

Alas, try to have a good weekend, folks!

I am elated that he finally pleaded guilty to all charges against him - including murder. According to the daily mail, Elisabeth Fritzl made a shocking appearance in court to confront her father. “It is believed that Fritzl knew she was there watching him - and that it was the weight of his daughter’s eyes on him that finally caused him to crack. ”

Josef beat, degraded, raped, starved and humiliated his daughter and her kids all these years. What kind of a parent does that? A sick, disgusting psychopath, that’s who.

Incestuous relationships have always been. However, more and more victims are speaking up and defending themselves. I can’t imagine how strange this is for the victims…here you have a parent or family member, whom you love, sexually abusing you and you are confused…not knowing or accepting that this is wrong and it is not love.

It is common in India and Africa (mainly South Africa). In fact, it is common in most developing countries, where victims are powerless. They can’t talk about it or else they become an outcast. To make matters worse, in some of these countries, it is not considered to be a problem. How could it be a problem, if it supposedly doesn’t ever happen?

In the United States, some researchers estimate that one in four women were sexually abused as children. This number is alarming. To think that one in four women you see walking in the street has been sexually abused is quite sad.

How can this be eradicated? How can we possibly help those who have been through this? How can we prevent this moving forward? It certainly taints how most sexually abused children view life and view men, as it creates long-term effects that tend to show up during adult years. Victims can either sway in the direction of becoming sexually active, and prostituting or become bitter, hate men, experience difficulty dating or trusting men, low self-esteem, and sexual inadequacy (and/or all of the above).

Some certainly attempt or commit suicide.

We need to fight this for the sake of our kids. Both young girls and boys. We need to be their voice and do everything we can to make sure they never have to face this. We need to talk openly with our kids. Let them know that this does exists and for them to speak up when they do see signs. As parents, we need not wait till our kids come to us. We should constantly ask and not shy away from the “sex” conversation. Because unfortunately, our world has become a world in which everything sex rules.

It is sad to think that some kids may eventually see the abuser as the “good guy”, the one that cares. This is much more likely to happen when there is emotional neglect in the household; when the child is not getting well deserved attention from parents. S/he feels that the only person that cares is the abuser. This is why we have to pay more attention to our kids and their needs. In homes where there are 3 or more kids, it becomes easy to neglect.

Unfortunately, bad parenting, lack of sex education at home or in schools, and the notion that allows men to feel superior and powerful over women and children, are some of the factors that will allow incest and sexual abuse to continue to go unreported. Of course, the main reason is just plain clinical insanity.

PS - To read more on the Josef Fritzl story, click on the link below:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1162591/The-monster-finally-finds-conscience-Fritzl-changes-pleas-guilty-daughter-confronts-court.html

I know, I know, it’s not the same, but we are not in their world, so we can’t possibly tell how easy or hard this is for them.

I’m not sure how many weeks or months a hummingbird holds the eggs before they’re laid, and then how long the eggs take to hatch, but it seemed like we were “pregnant” at the same time and “delivered” at the same time. She became our little pet, and we were so fascinated by her. She was there every time we stepped out or came back in.

Unfortunately, she left right after her babies hatched and we didn’t see her again. We left the nest there - so that one day she might return - and she is back. Back to have another baby. How spiritual is that? We are going to have our babies at the same time again. The seasons are different, the time is different, but yet she is here.

This has a spiritual significance for us. Call us mushy or softies, but it feels like we are being protected by this beautiful creature, who we initially felt like we have to look out for. She is like part of the family now. And we already know that we’ll miss her when she is gone.

But I hope she knows that if/when she does return, she is on her own with the pregnancy. I’m done. Lol!

Happy Friday, lovely ones. Make it a fab weekend!

I am going to be as real as it gets on this post. And it’s either you take it, or leave it. If you can’t bear to handle the truth, don’t care to read, then please, click and surf away. As always, if my post can help just one person (as I know it does from my inbox messages), then my work is worthwhile.

I am in no way, in an abusive relationship. I am blessed with a beautiful man and lovely kids, however, I am going to include myself in this post. I will talk generally as a woman addressing all women in this situation, as I am in no way better, bigger, smarter, stronger or brighter than anyone of you. And most importantly, I am fighting for a cause.

That being said, I am amazed at how often women stay in an abusive relationship, why we don’t walk away the first time, or why we make excuses…convincing ourselves that being in a violent relationship is OK and will get better with time.

How does an argument between two people, that claim to love or to be in love with one another, quickly wind up in violence? How do you look at your girlfriend, wife, mother of your child(ren) and punch her in the face, beat her mercilessly, call her names, and then want/try to be intimate with her again and again? How is that possible? What sort of satisfaction can you possibly get from physically, verbally, mentally or emotionally abusing your loved one, this person you supposedly cherish?

This is yet another way for men to establish control over their spouse. By trying to create power through fear and intimidation.

Think about how many violent relationships result in murder. Either the man beats his wife/partner until she takes her last breath or the victim snaps one day and kills the man. Either way, relationships of this sort never end well. Why can’t we walk away or seek help? Why do we keep going back (if we leave) to this kind of relationship?

Is there a deeper biological behavior at the root? Is it low self-esteem? Is it fear? Is it because the man tells us that no-one else wants us and we’ll never find love outside him? Is it fear of being a single mom? Is it what your culture promotes? Is it growing up in an abusive household, as women tend to date/marry their father’s kind!?

What? We can surely do better!

In my opinion, this is a serious case of co-dependent behavior.

This is very similar to being addicted to drugs in a way. You know it’s bad for you, yet it gives you this temporary high. This roller-coaster feeling. There are good times, and there are bad times. We know deep down inside that we should never succumb to a man hitting or hurting us. We break up, move out, he comes back begging (knowing fully well that he has you wrapped around his pinky) and we go back to him. Thinking, this time, he’ll change. The relationship will be better. But it gets worse because the ugly truth is domestic abuse escalates over time.

We won’t actually change until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change. It is the fear of the unknown and the pain of change that are our greatest enemies and most formidable obstacles.

It is so hard for women to reach out. It is such a huge step. Some women view it as shameful. We end up with a black eye, bruises, cuts, and broken bones yet again. Scars all over our bodies. We make one excuse after another like “I fell off the stairs”, “I just want to make my marriage work”, “The kids need their father”, “I got bit by the dog”, etc.

Women, c’mon!

We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and in most cases, it’s about tapping into that inner strength of ours and finding the courage to move on. But until we do, the cycle will continue to repeat itself. It will never change.

This brings me to the case of Chris Brown and Rihanna. Reading one blog to another, some men made comments like “she was too envious and possessive,” etc. And? She deserved to be beaten because of that? Now, they are back together, and there are talks about them making music together, and possibly getting married. How disturbing is this? What kind of message is this sending to the younger generation of men and women that look up to these two stars? Why couldn’t she seek help, counseling and speak up on the incident, letting her fans know that violence is never to be reckoned with?

Oprah Winfrey put out a statement via video stating that she’d be dedicating an entire show next week to “domestic violence,” and focusing more on the younger generation. That is how serious this has become. She also said the following: “He will hit you again!! Give it some time, get yourself some counseling, If a man hits you once, he will hit you again.”

Donald Trump even had this to say “She better get the hell out.  If she goes back, she’s a loser, and she doesn’t deserve to have any future success.”

Perhaps what’s needed more than anything else, is the supportive community of other women who’ve gone through this before. Find solace in knowing that there are tons of women who’ve faced the same demons and are now living happy, wholly useful lives free of violence and repetitious assault. Whether you are in a relationship, or have broken free of the cycle, there are people out there that need you. As recovering alcoholics need to keep passing their message of sobriety to one another to stay sober, we can help each other the same by sharing our stories and strength with each other.

My lovely ladies, I can’t scream this enough. Talk to someone, seek help. You owe this to yourself. You are beautiful, strong, and empowered. Free yourself from abuse, and remember this, “freedom breeds more freedom.”

Stay blessed!

“In the new issue of Us Weekly (on newsstands Wednesday), five people close to the situation - including two relatives of the other woman - confirm that Jon & Kate Plus 8 dad Jon Gosselin, 32, has been having an affair with third grade school teacher Deanna Hummel.

The most explosive blow-by-blow details are revealed by Deanna’s older brother - and roommate - Jason, who tells Us Weekly that he is speaking out now to set the record straight and to protect his naive sister.”

“At the Hummel house, Jason says Deanna and Jon would “pretty much stay locked away like two teenagers. It was weird. He’s a grown man. He also adds, “A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who’s, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast.”

ORIGINAL POST:

What’s this I’m hearing that the calm, cool, chilled, quiet Jon Gosselin is cheating on his wife with some college girls? Specifically, some ladies on a volley ball team in a local college in PA. According to media, he has been going out night, after night, hanging at sport bars and getting drunk. In some cases, playing beer pong with these ladies. Hmm…

I remember when the show first aired. My family & I were glued to the TV. In fact, we had the show Tivo’d because we didn’t want to miss an episode. This was going to be our “guilty pleasure,” a “new obsession.” We were looking forward to enjoying the show because they seemed like a young couple, and we thought, “Holy cow! Eight kids under the age of five? That’s insane!” I definitely wanted to see the craziness and chaos unravel.

That excitement quickly fizzled for me. A few shows into the first season, and Kate started to get on my last nerves. It was a bitter-sweet feeling because I really enjoyed watching the kids. They were a crack up. I adored the kids. They were so fun to watch and just too cute. Jon? He was super cool and laid back too.

However, Kate was just a constant disrespect to her husband. In my opinion.

She’d cut him off when it was his time to talk. Constantly yell at him, and was just plain rude and nasty to him. She publicly humiliated this man. To me, Kate completely came off as this control freak that had to have the last word, and was always right. Darn, was that harsh? Sorry, Kate. I’m sure the whole show is scripted *wink* *wink.* In any case, that rubbed me the wrong way, and I lost interest.

So, when this infidelity news surfaced, I was shocked! Quiet, calm, naive, passive Jon…cheating? That can’t be possible. Never! But you know, at the same token, I don’t put this past him or anyone for that matter. As shocking as it may seem, I have heard that the quiet ones are the deadliest. I am, by no means, validating this story. It could be a rumor for all I know. Neither Jon nor Kate have issued a public statement, so I am just basing this on good ol’ internet news.

Whether I liked Kate on the show or not, no one deserves to be cheated on. No one! Whether you don’t have any kids, have eight kids, or seventeen kids. It is completely cowardly. I can’t help but to be puzzled and wonder what could have driven Jon to this. Is he stressed? Did he finally hit a wall? Does he just want to be normal without living his life in front of the camera? Is he not getting laid? Does he now want a “trophy” girlfriend/wife? What?

I still don’t think any of the potential reasons above suffice. If anything, he should have confronted his wife, and they should have amicably split or sorted it out. Hurting the person you love(d) and the mother of your 8 kids in such manner is simply immature (I use the word “immature”, for the sake of being respectful).

What makes it OK to have more than one wife? Religion? I guess that makes sin/sinning OK, since Adam & Eve ate the apple from the tree. NO! Polygamy, to me, seems like another way for men to be superior. To be controlling. In my opinion, polygamy is selfishness.

In most cases, having several wives under one roof rarely works out. It promotes hate, envy, bickering, and malice, amongst other things, while the husband sits back and have them settle their differences. The wives are forced to deal and live with it. How does this benefit the kids? Growing up in such a hostile environment?

I wonder if the women know going into the marriage that their husbands will end up seeking to marry more wives, or they find out after the fact. Regardless, it can’t be jolly news to the ears. I’m assuming that some women stick it out because they want to stay married, because the husband is their provider, because they are inlove, because of the kids, or due to the fact that they think they have no choice…perhaps because of religious or cultural beliefs.

It is a rather disturbing and provoking thought.

What makes a man seek for the comfort of another woman besides his wife? Doesn’t it become a chore to (sexually) satisfy all women? I feel like I could hear the male readers going, rhythmically, “Nooooooooo”. Did I just set myself up with that question?

Frankly ladies, can you imagine not going to bed with the man you love whenever you wish? Not having the choice to choose what night you want to cuddle and sleep with your husband? Better yet, dealing with listening to him and the other wife, as they get intimate in the room next to yours? WTF? I don’t care how religious or cultured you are. That can’t be pleasant or easy to deal with.

Now if the tables were turned, and women were allowed to marry more than one husband; how will this pan out? Personally, I think a man’s level of envy in terms of infidelity is far greater and stronger than a woman’s. Men are unforgiving when it comes to matter of the heart, while women are more tender-hearted and inclined to give second chances.

God bless these wives. Especially the first wives. I’m sure they feel cheated, intimidated, jealous, and misplaced. Or do they? Because I’m sure the more wives brought in, I’m guessing the younger they are. Which makes me wonder if amongst the wives, the first wife has the ultimate say in decision-making, has the upper hand, and over-sees the rest of the wives. Or is it the “baby” wife that rules?

In relation to modern day, modern women, would you allow your husband another wife? Even if your religion and culture permits. Would you stay in such relationship? If so, why?

Photo Credits:

“Say No To Polygamy” ABC News, http://www.abc.net.au
“Big Love pic” http://www.smh.com.au/…/2008/08/22/1219262513587.html
“African Pic” http://village.africanpath.com/

Whatever your definition is, I see a lot of these around, especially in Los Angeles. And they are often young, beautiful, ditsy, with fake boobs, 4″ heels, and in the arms of not-so-good looking men old enough to be their father or grandfather. Usually, these men are fresh out of a divorce. You constantly hear of stories of such men ending marriages of 20, 30 or 40 something years in search of the perfect accessory: a trophy wife. I like to call these kinds of men, “big poppa.”

I have to confess; I find this quite intriguing. Because in most cases, you can clearly see what the motives are. However, I still don’t understand how someone walks out of a marriage that they’ve nurtured and invested in for so many years, cite irreconcilable differences, then immediately dive right into the dating scene and fish for an arm candy; a lady about the age of their daughter (or younger), whom they probably started courting before their marriage ended, and in some cases, is the root of the divorce.

They get married.

All she clearly wants to do is spend their money, and well, I guess…she puts up with intimacy. An act she probably secretly dreads, but participates in because she knows deep down inside that this is a temporary situation (she’ll leave him for that hunk). Or maybe she’s nailing the pool man, lawn boy, handy man or UPS guy (new meaning to “going postal”).

How does this differ from prostitution? In a backward way, you are paying for sex or getting paid for sex. No?

I often see these men as an “establishment,” an “institution,” a “personal bank,” an “employer.” And the ladies? “Employees,” “business women,” an “investor.” I mean, they are getting paid to “be”. In the end, they cash-out big time.

Granted, people marry for a variety of reasons: love, status, convenience, professional, religious beliefs, economical,  arranged, or political so why should marrying a trophy wife for the reason of being a “trophy” be any different, eh? Well, at least make sure she is educated. Make sure when she accompanies you to an event, she can hold her own. Engage in any conversation and make sense while doing so.

I did some research for the definition of the term “trophy wife” or the history behind it and apparently, an article in a 1989 Fortune Magazine introduced the phrase. It described a trophy wife as a woman who is a “decade or two younger than her husband, sometimes several inches taller, beautiful, and very often accomplished.”

Well! Well!! Well!!! very often accomplished? Uhm, I don’t see that anymore.

To be quite frank, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that. I mean, all you have to do is tune on to shows like “Housewives of Some County” and you’ll see what I mean. Or look around you. It’s becoming a trend.

With the state of our economy right now, you know these ladies are out there with full effect ready to prey, so are the married or newly divorced older men. Their choices are endless. They choose their trophy, get married, have a baby(ies), she files for a divorce, takes him to court for alimony and child support, marries a much younger guy than “big poppa” then they live happily ever after on “big poppa’s” money and she never has to work a day in her life.

It’s really sad to me that the first wives that have been with these men through hard and rough times, potentially aided them to be the success they are today, and possibly gave up their careers and goals to be stay home moms, end up being the loser at the tail end of the bargain. They are left with nothing (well, perhaps a nice settlement themselves…but they’re the ones who were most likely emotionally vested and committed to a lifelong relationship).

Emotionally, physically, mentally and materially; they are drained with the divorce.

It’s often a sad ending for them while the men enjoy what seems to be a happy and new beginning, at least for the time being…until they themselves get duped by the “trophy wife.”

What are your thoughts?

Credits:

Pic:
www.buycostumes.com

Fortune magazine definition:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/08/fashion/08JERI.html

I’m just going to shoot right to the point. Men, where do you draw the line? If there’s a line, that is. I mean, I think it’s cute for a man to be close to his mom. Personally, I think it translates into how he treats his lady and women in general. They tend to be more respectful and understanding.

However, being a little too close where she is constantly in her’s son’s business (and, I mean, relationships) is definitely detrimental. If you’re with a man in such a situation, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to impress this woman. The mother, that is. She hates you for no darn reason and you will never be good enough to date/marry her son.

Don’t get me wrong, I have respect for men that highly regard their mothers, but to compare your wife to your mother? That’s actually kinda disgusting. Women want to date a man’s man. You know, a strong man. Not one who runs off to his mama for relationship advice and sort. This kind of man cannot think for himself and all he cares or worries about his satisfying his mama’s dying wish. Well, may be not dying wish, but “wishes” in general. (I should be a little nicer.)

As a mother, I can’t imagine being too involved in my son’s life. Not only in relationships, but in every aspect. How does he gain independence, respect from his “boys”, and/or respect from women he dates? Any woman he dates automatically becomes #2. After mama. I think I can speak for all women when i say no woman ever wants to be #2 in a man’s life. Especially if they are sleeping and sharing the same bed. This sort of man has probably never done laundry, cooked, clean or wipe his a** for himself. So, guess who comes in take over mama’s duties (and you better do it right). You!

We can’t always put the blame on the “mama’s boy” in all instances, though. Sometimes, the moms are just too manipulative, they fake cries, make up stories and place their son in awkward situations in which the son can’t stand up for himself, to say “NO”, or always feels sorry and bad for them.

I don’t see how a mama’s boy could be a husband material, but I stand to be corrected. If you’re OK with your mother-in-law dictating how/when you get intimate, how to raise your kids, the manner in which you keep your home, what sort of meal you eat/cook, then you should have no problem here. God forbid you are experiencing fertility issues. Then, you are definitely not worthy of being a wife material, and she quickly finds him a better match or advice him to find a better suited woman. I consider this to be an abusive relationship. An emotional and mental one.

My take? If you don’t understand so far, I’m saying…relationships with mama’s boys don’t usually work out smooth. You will face a lot of challenges that may be never ending, which can result to the termination of a union. Mama’s boys are muppets that have been molded since the very day they were born, and you can’t possibly change that/him unless he wants to do so himself.

I’m a lucky one. My husband loves his mother, and I love, love his mother too. Couldn’t ask for a better mother-in-law. They have a sound and healthy relationship, which makes mine with her more lovely. In fact, I communicate with her more than Greg does. It’s such an effortless relationship…it fits.

But women get this more when it comes to child bearing, however, men have biological clocks too, and it’s ticking as I write. As a matter of fact, as men get older, they face an increased risk of fathering children with abnormalities.

In any case, the minute a woman is seen with a guy, they are asked “so when is the big day?” God forbid you are around your married friends - because they are married, they turn to you to ask you when you are getting hitched too, or try to give you this corny speech/advice about you settling down and why you should. Oh, and forget it if they have kids, then they either suggest that you are next, or ask (with pressure), “So are you guys having kids? When are are you having kids?”

I noticed that as we are getting older, and we hang out around people or friends in our age group, this sort of topic never fails to come up. Is it that people just automatically expect you to walk their walk and talk their talk?

Can we all start understanding that everyone’s path in life is different? And what works for you does not work for the next? Can we start to understand that relationships are not the easiest to come by, and while some may be lucky to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, others have to go through and survive terrible heartaches and relationships?

There are also married/unmarried ones who are in a committed union, but are experiencing child bearing difficulties and don’t necessarily want to discuss it because it is indeed a private matter. Or those that have decided that bringing a baby into this world is certainly not for them, which could either stem from past issues or the fact that they know darn well that they may suck at this thing called parenthood. I have mega respect for these people because I would rather you not bring a child into this world, than bring them in and have no care for them.

Truly, the fact is, these days, you can get pregnant up until the age of 50. Of course, it’s not always medically advisable, but it’s possible. Pay a visit to Los Angeles, and you’ll see beautiful moms just having kids at the age of 40 and over. After all, when it comes to fertility, it is the age of the egg, not the age of the woman that matters most. My point is, it’s not too late for those that long for it. Don’t pay attention to peer pressure or settle for a man just because. Take your time and find the right person who will love you and your kids.

And people, stop pressuring your dear friends or loved ones. Stop bringing it up at family gatherings, get-togethers, etc. just because you have nothing else to talk about, you envy their single status, their union without kids, you are miserable in your relationship, or you are trying to recruit someone else to join the bandwagon. It’s not cool, it scares your friends, and it could be embarrassing. If you are happy in your marriage and it works for you, great! Enjoy it! Concentrate on it.

Don’t ask me why I’m appointing myself as an advocate, but I am.

Friday is here again, so enjoy your short n fab weekend! *Smiles*

Personally, I don’t think you should wait till the court orders you or gets involved before realizing that you have to contribute to the upbringing of your own child. It’s common sense. Besides, if women are always stressing and fighting for equality, then it should apply here as well.

Granted there are tons of deadbeat dads out there, but I also think there are vengeful women out there who try to get a man for everything he has just because the relationship didn’t workout. These type of women screw things up for the women that actually need the necessary support for the upbringing of the kid(s). For heaven sake, there are women that actually quit their day job(s) and solely live on a child support income, or ask for the “dad” to support them for the rest of their lives. Perfect example, 50cent and his “baby mama”, TI and his “baby mama”, athletes, and a host of other celebs and non-celebs that I’m reserving mention of.

I respect any man who would step up to the plate and raise their child(ren). However, on the flip side, I also understand that there are some men who only step up, and act like they are involved in their child’s life because the court is involved. They pretend that they want to 50/50 the responsibilities just so they’d avoid paying child support, or paying a lesser amount. It is all so twisted. And I always feel bad for the kid(s) involved.

Do women really get preferential treatment from the court when the tables are turned around? In some cases, yes. And I also think it depends on the judge. For the most part, they use their discretion. Think of the women who have kids with 3 or more men and actually have all the dads pay child support. There are women out there, who have all these kids because they don’t want to work a day in their life. I am not talking down on women, I am raising this issue because a reader asked for my thoughts and I am stating. I’m simply being honest.

Now, should a woman be imprisoned for not paying child support or owing backed up support? No. Not if they have other kids to take care of at home, or if the child was taken from her against her will.

May be in the end, men need to be more involved in the child(ren) lives. In other to change societal views on them in this particular situation. More women are left with the responsibilities of taking care of the kids than men are. It’s tough enough that women go through the entire 10 months of carrying the baby, and let’s not forget the labor pains. The majority are struggling to raise these kids themselves with no help from the man. Some have to work odd jobs or 2 or more jobs to make ends meet.

Bottom line is: if we want things to be equal, well, they should be equal.

I wrote. While my husband and kids attended a non-profit event at his alumni, Johnston Center at The University of Redlands. Greg was one of the speakers. Yes, we were apart, but proudly for a good cause, and I’m glad the kids got to be a part of it too. Enjoy the read and videos below.

My blog today, is going to focus on our kids. Our kids, having kids. In particular, two different kids from different ends of the world. One in Britain and another in Uganda, Africa. Both the same age. 13 years old. A boy, and a girl.

Alfie Patten, 13, is a dad. The first time he had sex, he got his 15year old girlfriend,  Chantelle Steadman, pregnant. This boy really looks like a kid, by the way. He looks like he is 6. He and his girlfriend decided not to abort this baby because {Sic} “I thought it would be good to have a baby.”

Excuse me?

First off, I’m bothered that this kid is not outside playing football, hide and seek or video games. And having a baby because you think, oh yeah, it’d be alright to have one? Knowing fully well that he’ll have the support and assisstance of both parents (and his girlfriend’s), or the government would step in and help with diapers, food and monies?!? I mean, the parents are already living on benefits to begin with. This kid does not even understand the immensity of his situation.

In the article, Alfie does not refer to his child as his. He calls the child “it” and is totally clueless. He doesn’t know what to say or think. He is scared…as he should be. He had a choice. They both did. To not have sex - wait until much older, or to practice safe sex.

This really goes to show that we need to start talking to our kids about sex at a much younger age. Before they turn 10, with the rate they are growing and learning from their peers, the media, movies, etc.

Now, let’s travel miles to Uganda, East Africa. First off, have you heard of the documentary Invisible Children? If you haven’t, research it. Go to their website. It’s a must see. I have provided a link below. There are two parts to Invisible Children. The first one focuses on little boys, and the second, girls. The torture they endure as they are recruited (not by choice) as soldiers in rebel groups.

The story of Grace is of a young girl in Uganda, East Africa, who was kidnapped from her home and forced to be a soldier and act as a sex slave, at the tender age of 11…to a man 40 years older. A commander in the LRA, which stands for Lord’s Resistance Army. She was raped repeatedly for 3 years. Violently raped.

One fateful day, she summoned up the courage to escape. As she tried to, she was shot on the back and on the leg. Her leg was shattered, but she managed to get to a refugee camp. Upon arrival, she found out she was pregnant with the commander’s baby. At 5 months pregnant, Grace was desperately trying to starve the baby inside her. Possibly out of frustration, pain, and emotional damage. At the tender age of 13 and alone, how is she to know any better?

As if the situation wasn’t tough enough, her leg was getting worse. She couldn’t stand on it. Can you imagine carrying pregnancy weight with one leg? She had to undergo surgery. Man, watching the documentary, you see them work on her leg without anesthesia, something we are used to in the western world and sometimes take for granted. They screwed and un-screwed the pins and supports attached to her leg.

This was not all she had to endure. Her father was killed during the conflict/war. And her mother, who could have helped or provide support, got an infection in her feet that has left her unable to walk.

All this, and Grace is still grateful, so much so that she named her baby girl Opoyo Rwot (”Thank God”). She currently works as a bracelet maker for the Bracelet Campaign. Grace, a child, is now a mother. Not by choice, but by might.

To be clear, my intentions are not to bash Alfie, his parents, family or their choices. I am simply trying to compare the two worlds. What they have in common and not so much in common. A western world v. A third world country. The western world where you have choices, condoms, sex education classes, parents, teachers, mentors, and overall access to betterment. The third world where all these choices are lacking. You are barely surviving and your freedom is non existence. If Grace had access and advantage to all these privilege, do you think she’d take advantage of it? What are your thoughts on this? The state and future of our kids, our world?

I wish we can all stop for a second, and quit obsessing over ourselves. Instead, be grateful…grateful for this moment. Talk to your kids. Volunteer your time somewhere. Dare to make a difference. There are so many in need…but so many of us to help…please, do your part to help.

By the way, if you are in the Los Angeles area, a dear friend’s non-profit is throwing a huge film screening and after party for Invisible Children at Cinespace in Hollywood on February 20th. Click on this link to join the guest list.

REVEAL: A Multimedia Nightlife Experience
Friday February 20th, 2009 at 8:30 p.m. (Doors at 7:30 p.m.)
CineSpace, Hollywood, CA

Also, stop by the Invisible Children’s website and purchase a bracelet. Your money will go a long, long way and be put to good use. Every dollar counts. Continue to spread the word.

Credits:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece
http://store.invisiblechildren.com/review/product/list/id/82/

I shall sleep, eat and watch TV all day on Valentine’s day. While others are spending money during this recession period.

To all the lovers, WRAP IT UP! There are tons of Valentine’s day babies out there. Meaning they were conceived on this fateful day! So, if you know you’re not ready for the responsibilities, do the right thing and don’t get carried away by this “special” day. Practice safe sex. Ladies, don’t get knocked up! Easy on the wine and love songs playing in the background. Otherwise, this “special” day is bound to change the rest of your life forever and ever.

This is valuable advice that is not commercialized along with Valentine’s day. You just got it for free. Thank me later!

Have a fab weekend, and enjoy your v-day! Kisses!

• Dad passed on early in a child’s life
• He could have been sent to war
• It could be a father that constantly travels or traveled for work
• Due to a broken marriage
• Deadbeat dads
• He could be a “sick” father (either medically or due to insanity)
• Father could be abusive (mentally, sexually, verbally or physically)
• He could suffer from addiction / substance abuse

How does this affect a child? I mean, it’s really important to have the presence of both parents in a home, but I think more so, fathers. Fathers are highly regarded by their kids. They are looked upon as heroes, as powerful, as breadwinners and that protective shield for the family. (Don’t get me wrong, same goes for Mothers and if anyone knows that, I do, but my concern today is the father.)

For the sons of a missing father, does it determine your drive and struggle? Do you strive to become better than your father and not repeat the same cycle? Does it hurt so bad that you have no care in the world and turn to a group or organization for brotherly or fatherly love? Do you fall to despair and into the wrong circle of friends and influence? Do you find your direction in uncles, brothers, or other male elders?

And for the daughters of a missing father, do you sometimes find yourself choosing men that posses your father’s traits? Do you gravitate towards abusive men because that’s all you know? Or do you vow to choose wisely…someone very different from your father? Do you hate men because of your father? What is the emotional damage?

After all, your childhood is your foundation.

Kudos to our fathers. The ones that decided to stick around and handle their responsibilities. Kudos to the strong, hardworking, heroic and loving father. Even those that didn’t have a choice but to be missing in their child’s life due to circumstances.

Dear fathers, Your role in your child’s life is crucial. Be the best that you can be, so that your child can be better than you, and his/her child will be better than him/her. Plant that seed today. Talk to your child. Love your child. Endlessly. Guide your child. Tell your child “I love you.” Let your child see you cry. Let your child see you smile. Let your child see you struggle. Missing fathers, it’s never too late to make amends.

So here it is, Zurhi better start getting used to sharing because it’s another daddy’s little girl! Gotta love the men in my household. Greg sure does know how to spoil his girls. And I’m excited that there is one more for him to do so with. I enjoy watching him with Zurhi. She has him wrapped around her pinky. From changing the poopie diapers, to giving her a bath at night, cooking dinner and cuddling one another to sleep. With another girl in the mix, I hope we don’t have to fight for Greg’s attention. Because I’m not giving up my spot (smile).

Sidney wanted a boy too, but after I rationalized with him saying, “Dude, think of it this way, you’ve got these kids by 10, 11 years. You’ll be off to college in 7yrs. Wouldn’t you want Zurhi to have another girl that can be her best-friend, share things with, do things together, talk about clothes and girly things?” It was a surreal moment. He said, “Yes, wow, I never thought of it that way. I’m so glad it’s a girl.” Phew! That settles that.

With the feel of things, I think this one is going to be a tomboy too. Just like big sis. I prayed for a girl, so I’m glad I got my wish. Sidney and his best friend, Harry, have already started plotting how they are going to be fighting boys off their little sisters. How protective they will be. Sidney is so protective, he doesn’t like Zurhi showing skin. She had on a halter top the other day and Sidney was like, “Mom, you are going to let her go out to school like that? Sorry but she can’t.” On another occasion a little boy..about Zurhi’s age walked up to her, hugged and kissed her. Sidney flipped and picked her up immediately. “She is too young to be kissing a boy,” he said. “That’s disgusting.”

It’s pretty hilarious to watch. At the same token, he is so attentive to her needs. He watches her moves. Makes sure she doesn’t put the wrong thing in her mouth, or hurt herself. He feeds her, puts her to sleep, wipes her nose, showers her with kisses. He is a third parent. I’m such a proud wife and mother.

Man, this next little one is going to get so spoiled by the men in the house. I better stop writing. I may start to cry.